Well, the poison control center has just informed me that I am stupid, in case you were wondering. I have a hard time believing this hasn’t happened to many other people although my daughter doesn’t. Her last loving words to me tonight were ‘IT’S EMBARRASSING TO KNOW YOU”.

In order to be healthy, I decided to follow some of the pH balance book mom does and do the green drink. In the book, the author says USE pH DROPS OR HYDROGEN PEROXIDE. So I do. I got a little suspicious when I poured the peroxide into the small blue bottle and the cap started blowing up like a balloon and almost exploded. However, who am I to argue with the experts?

It tasted gross but many times healthy food (and the poisonous kind for that matter) do not always taste the best. Afterwards I felt some what ill, which was sad as I was after health. I called mom to ask about why I suddenly felt deathly ill. I told her about the peroxide drops which she said comfortingly that they probably should be food grade quality and she did not know what would happen to me.

Upon my return home I go to the evil book, where about 10 times it says such things as USE REGULAR HYDROGEN PEROXIDE-THAT YOU CAN FIND IN ANY HEALTH FOOD OR GROCERY STORE. I, unfortunately, took that to mean I should use regular hydrogen peroxide that I could find in a health food or grocery store. Somehow, I missed the suggestion that it should be food grade or that there even was such a thing. Go figure!

I go to the bottle of hydrogen peroxide to see what their instructions are. I read IN CASE OF ACCIDENTAL INGESTION, CALL POISON CONTROL CENTER IMMEDIATELY. I THINK IT IS INTERESTING THEY USE THE WORD “ACCIDENTAL”. It’s almost as if they do not think alot of people will be drinking it on purpose.

When I call the poison control center and tell the man what happened, he says such reassuring and helpful things as:

NOW WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

THAT WAS REALLY STUPID.

I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

He has to ask for my name and address for their records as they are amazed that I would deliberately swallow something like that-the worst part was when I had to give my age and I heard all the choking and laughing in the background. I knew I should’ve said 7 instead of 30ish and yes, I drink poison and say it is for health reasons in all sincerity.

I won’t even get into the discussion we had about why I drank it and what I actually thought would be accomplished by doing so. You probably would prefer to be spared those details. He did make me promise (this is really true) to never eat anything or read anything without first checking it by my doctor. What kind of a moron does he think I am?

Anyway, I just wanted to caution you all if you were planning to start drinking some hydrogen peroxide tonight-don’t. You could get sick. If you don’t want to listen to me, maybe the directions on the bottle of don’t drink or you might die immediately could help discourage you, although it really didn’t in my case.

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