After almost dying from swallowing hydrogen peroxide, due to the advice of a popular health book, I shared with my family the Poison Control’s reaction to this health experiment. I did not quite get the sympathetic reaction I had hoped for (from them or Poison Control). I thought my friends were much more understanding and wrote this to my family, sharing a friend’s take on the incident. (Both this and the Tylenol bra injury made me much more aware of the need for warning labels that work. Manufacturers should think about how their products are used by all people. Also, best-selling books might want to check with poison control before they advise people to take something. However, that is just a personal opinion of mine- based on past experience.) Here’s the letter I wrote to my family-

Dear Family,

Thank you for your concern with my recent brush with death. It meant a lot to me that a few days after I notified you all of keeling over, that some of you wrote back at how grateful you were that I hadn’t been killed. “Who would we make fun of and laugh about?” you wrote,”There’s no one ditzier than you; you are such an idiot you could make millions telling people about this-most people aren’t such total losers-you could actually become famous for messing up so bad!” Thank you for your support and confidence. It means a lot to know that my own family, those who know me best, believe in my airheadiness with such certainty and conviction.

Apparently it is not just family that cares about me and feels this way. Some of my friends have similar viewpoints. This Sunday, at Church, some friends of mine who had read my story came up to share their concern.

“Good thing you didn’t die, Claire, or we would’ve had to change your last name to “Dumass”, my friend’s husband says, using a French sounding word for the word “demise”. How beautiful, I think.

“Thanks, Neil. That’s really sweet of you”, I say, very touched. He gives me this perplexed look I get a lot from people. It’s probably best described by envisioning someone with a “Huh?!!!!” look on their face. What a sad commentary on our society when someone is so shocked by someone actually expressing personal gratitude. Are we so unused to hearing kind words and appreciation from people that we have to get a bewildered and surprised look on our face when we hear it?

“‘Neil-cut it out”, my friend scolds her husband. She is obviously worried that I will get upset at the thought that they actually thought about me dying. However, I am not upset at all! I am moved that not only are they so happy I am still alive but that if I ever did die, her husband has found a way to make it sound so much more elegant and refined. DUMASS, DUMASS-some people will just have had things said such as, “She met her demise.”. However, my friends have made it sound so much more beautiful-”Dumass” instead of the ordinary “demise” I am thrilled that my death will sound rather dignified due to my friend’s take on things. French is such a beautiful language!

DUMASS-DUMASS-I keep saying it on the way home. It sounds so pretty. If I ever become a famous actress and need a stage name-love how it sounds-CLAIRE DUMASS. I can just see it on the movie screen or hear Jay Leno announcing, “…and tonight—Claire Dumass will be joining us to talk about her latest blockbuster hit.” Wow!

I love French even though I don’t speak it, understand it, or come to think of it, know any words at all. I don’t even know if I’d actually recognize it if I heard it spoken. Nevertheless, I love it and think it is a beautiful language. The problem is that in different languages sometimes words can mean different things. When I come home I realize that even though in French DUMASS sounds so beautiful, it is possible that someone could think of something else in English. When you spell it out, I noticed it could also be interpreted as DUMB ***. I do not know if my friend realized that when he said that so I might have to warn him that for now if I die, we should probably stick with the more official obituary and keep my last name as is, just so people don’t get the wrong idea.